Remember when you amicably parted ways with your last boyfriend and then one of his friends began verbally harrassing you via text message?
Oh, that hasn't happened to you? Ah, your ex boyfriend must have normal friends!
Two-ish weeks ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of two months...it just wasn't working out. But we didn't fight or argue about anything, and it was a fairly peaceful break-up over all. Today, I'm at work, and I get a text message from this number that looks oddly familiar.
It says, "are you coming to theos for new years?" This allows me to narrow down the list of possible senders. Theo=friend of my ex-boyfriend.
I respond, logically, with "Who is this?"
The response? "that is a yes or no question". Oh, very helpful.
I say, "no".
Then, "why not frizzle?" Ah, yes. It is you, Mike Miller. The only person who calls me Ms. Frizzle. Yes, I am an animated woman who drives a magic school bus and has a pet iguana. I do have frizzy hair though, I'll give you that.
I text back, "because i made other plans and i haven't talked to [my ex-boyfriend] for 3 days."
I'll spare you the middle portion. But he starts the text by saying that my ex still wants me to come to the party and ends it by calling my friends a series of slurs and insults that are unwarranted. As all slurs usually are.
It is at this point that I become irate. The slurs and insults continue. I mean really cruel stuff here, people. I know I have a biting personality, but I would never say things the likes of which this guy has so artfully placed in a series of text messages, complete with spelling and grammar errors that would embarrass a four year-old.
Eventually, I break. I send him a text saying, "aw mikey. i hope your parents are proud of the little bitch of a man you've become". Mean? Yes. Warranted? Yes.
I then receive this cute little message: "damn thats harsh, haha nah it dosnt matter what you say..guess u just realized how terrible ur friends are..u must be having a bad night..dont txt me dumb things i only laugh..an bitch would not describe me..look at ur past bf's and friends..there lacking on manly qualities". For those of you who don't know, my high school boyfriend is now gay. And the last time I saw him, I liked him even better than I did in high school. And no, I do not date manly men; it's true. I'm manly enough on my own.
Let's continue. You know when you're really angry with someone and you just want to scream and shake them, but you know that it would be better to just let it go? I could not bring myself to do this. As the saying goes, "Let go or be dragged."
And so I say, "yeah you're right. real men text their friend's ex-girlfriends insults about people they don't even know. you want to be a man? come to my house and say that shit to my face". At this point, I'm fantasizing about bashing his head in with a banjo. But I would never do that. I love my banjo.
And so, in one last attempt to scrape the bottom of the barrel that is his manhood, Mike Miller texts to me, "an talk about parents raising children, well lets not go that far ur news is worse than mine..everytime u txt me do u cry to [your ex] what i say bc he txts me plz dont talk to [you]..hahahaha..come to ur house? what would u do, ur a woman..u forgot to say im sexist which would also mean i think ur as useless as a poopy flavored lolly pop..if i came to ur house id shave that mop on ur head".
Let's see...that's a comment about my parents' divorce? a false accusation about telling on him when really he bragged to my ex that he texted me these things? an insult to my gender? a weird reference to some kind of candy made to taste like fecal matter? oh and an insult about my hair?! seriously? that's too easy.
So the battle ends. He thinks he has won, I think I have won. All along, while I'm receiving these texts, I'm thinking that he and my ex are together with a bunch of friends drinking and goofing around and being dumb. But no, my ex is at home in Maryland, and Mike is in Virginia, feeling some kind of urge to verbally abuse me and my friends from far away.
This puzzles me. I am thinking to myself, who does this in their free time? And I am also consumed with anger. Not because he insulted me. Frankly, I can take it. But to insult my friends that he doesn't even know? Really?
So I just want to take this moment to, 1) thank you for reading this post if you've made it this far, and 2) if you are a person in my life who has treated me kindly and never purposefully harrassed or insulted me (which is most of you), I would like to thank you. And I would like to extend a special thank you to all of the men in my life who have always respected me and always been there for me.
So if you find yourself consoling a friend who has just been dumped, don't steal their phone, retrieve their ex's number, and begin to verbally harrass said ex. Remember that text messages are saved and can be used against you and published all over the Internet.
And remember that some people are truly and genuinely insane and will come to your house and beat you with a folk instrument.
But I would never do that.
I love my banjo.
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