Behold, the news. Compressed:
Snow is coming to the United States. The average household has enough food for 3 days. So we're about nine meals away from anarchy. Similarly, the average Marylander is about nine minutes away from abandoning their car on the side of the road in the middle of a snowstorm. Or a rainstorm. Or a strong wind.
Illegal immigration in the US is stabilizing. Oddly, right after Obama delivers his State of the Union address, foreigners are deciding they no longer want to live here.
Looking for the cool new white iPhone 4? Good luck. Even Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak had to buy the parts online. Illegally. From a teenager.
Finally people are reconsidering the utopian dream that is universal healthcare. Turns out being forced to purchase health care benefits isn't so great when you'd rather spend your money on food.
Mubarak (that's the president of Egypt, people) has finally announced that he will not run for re-election. Really? But, Mubarak, you have so many fans.
Breaking news: Charlie Sheen is addicted to drugs, sex, and he's also kind of a jerk. Even Joan Rivers thinks he's "awful." Lindsay Lohan feels bad for him, though. Maybe she can fill in for him on Two and a Half Men.
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